Difficult Conversations with relatives and significant others

How do you handle difficult conversations with relatives and significant others in your daily life?

• Do you try to address your concerns quickly and with a minimal amount of ‘drama’?

• Do you try to avoid the situation altogether whenever you can?

There are valid reasons for wanting to avoid conflict with a close relative, a significant other and even with an acquaintance. While it is a natural inclination for most of us to try to avoid uncomfortable situations and conversations, research on the topic indicates it is much easier on our mental, emotional, and physical health when we try to reach a resolution to the matter. Among many other negative effects, unresolved conflict can cause our bodies to release cortisol, a harmful stress-induced hormone. Its repeated presence in your body can cause ailments or exacerbate any present medical conditions that you’re trying to manage.

For example, someone who suffers from migraine headaches, may unexpectedly find that such conversations will bring one on. A person who lives with hypertension, can experience a frightening rise in their blood pressure because of an uncomfortable conversation with a loved one.

Because most persons interact with immediate family members more frequently than with others outside of our households, it is crucial that we learn how to manage these relationships as purposefully as we can.

In my previous interactions with colleagues, students, and clients, I’ve found historically that certain familial relationships tend to carry emotional triggers.

Some are:

§ Mother and daughter relationships

§ Father and son relationships

§ Sibling relationships

§ Spousal relationships

§ Romantic relationships

The following statements are feedback that I’ve gotten from persons involved in such relationships:

§ “My mother and I have always been extremely close. I’m very grateful for all that she has done for me, from childhood until now…but she never lets me forget it!”

§ “My mother and I have what you would call a roller coaster relationship. Sometimes we get along great, and other times I just need to retre

at and regroup.”

§ “My father has always been my rock, but sometimes I feel like I’m never good enough for him!”

§ “My father may as well be a “friend” – he comes and goes unexpectedly. It’s been this way my entire life”.

§ “My brother and I are twins, but if we didn’t look exactly alike, you’d never know it. We couldn’t be more different.

§ My older sister resents me. She says I’ve gotten everything she would have wanted from our parents. From her perspective, they were quite hard on her, and nurturing to me…

§ I wish I knew what makes my wife so angry all the time. It’s something new, almost every day! I try to get along, but I’m getting tired…”

§ My boyfriend is really sweet, but his bad habits irritate me. We’re true opposites, and I’m not finding it attractive!”

The list of comments and situations goes much beyond the range that can be addressed here, but these scenarios are common enough that you could potentially see yourself in one or two of them.

Please keep in mind that this is a conversation about difficult conversations, with loved ones. This is the most difficult of the difficult conversations because they are not situations that we can dismiss, then move on with life.

I’ve had my share of familial situations, and I concur that they can be tricky to navigate because they involve individuals that we care about deeply. In my past experiences I learned, often the long and hard way, that leaving difficult conversations unaddressed will only create additional frustrations and resentments. The succeeding interactions can become unbearable. I’ve had sleepless nights rehearsing in my exhausted head what I should have said, but never did when many opportunities presented themselves. Then my frustration would inevitably get me to such a pressured high that I would eventually burst into a barrage of not so accurate comments that stung my loved ones, and only brought our relationship to a new low.

An aggressive approach packed with frustration and resentment won’t make the other person see your viewpoint. If they suddenly express that they do, you can be sure it isn’t true. Any level of “understanding” in that heated moment can be considered the other person’s attempt to avoid any more unexpected, previously unspoken hurts.

How should you address the root of it all?

Until you take a moment on your own to process how you honestly feel about the person(s) you’re having uneasy conversations with, and the situation you’re in, you won’t be totally clear about the real issues at hand. Sometimes a comment made by your mother feels harsher than if it were made by your brother. Gaining clarity about the range of your relationship with the given member will bring clarity about what must be addressed. In the same vein, there are times that conditions as temporary as fatigue, for example, can cause an uncomfortable tone in a tricky conversation.

It’s sometimes beneficial to ‘table’ a conversation that is quickly going in the wrong direction, and initiate a redo at a later date, when heads are calmer and we’re clear that this difficult conversation is even worth dissecting and putting back together! Phew! It can be a lot of work, so we want to make sure it is warranted. All these sub-scenarios are great reasons to ask to pick the conversation up later on.

By now, you may be thinking, “wait a minute, if I’m having an ‘off’ conversation with my significant other, I’m not about to ask him to table his comments until some other time. I’d rather just hash it out and end it for good!”

Unfortunately, this is where many of us can end up getting into more trouble. Hashing it out for two emotionally charged persons, is not likely to lead to ending the conversation positively. From the scenarios discussed above, I’m not convinced using this approach will fare well for anyone. It is during those highly emotional occasions that persons can hurt the people they love, the most. Once you’ve made hurtful, ‘in the heated of the moment’ comments to someone you care about, you cannot un-say it. You’ve now potentially opened a pandora’s box that could create long term of dysfunctions in your relationships.

Taking time to think through the comments already stated to us, gives us an opportunity to privately try putting ourselves in that person’s place. It’s been amazing for me, to see what I’ve discovered when I processed where that person was literally or figuratively coming from!

Difficult conversations with significant others are complicated and they should be treated with the respect and consideration that your loved one deserves. This certainly doesn’t mean that your position is wrong. Neither does it mean that you are the trigger of the other person’s current heightened condition. It simply means that your family relationships are important to you and you’re willing to put some meaningful work into improving the quality of both - your perspective of the situation, and the manner in which you manage your differences of opinion.

Quick takeaways

o As well as you may know your loved ones, situations aren’t always what they appear to be.

o Take time on your own to regroup, gain some insights and clarity

o Beware of ‘comeback’ statements that may be hurtful, and set your relationship backwards.

o The truth can be stated in a gentle and considerate manner - it shouldn’t have to be painful to the receiver, however, sometimes some situational discomfort may be inevitable.

Because of the complicated nature of familial relationships, I advise that you work with a professional to ensure that you’re enlisting a trained and objective perspective to your problem-solving.

I have lived through my share of difficult conversations and situations with loved ones. I’m grateful to have received the proper training and learned skills that foster meaningful and rewarding relationships. I’m positive that I can help you to live through yours - and to come out successfully building on your family and romantic relationships.

Coach Mandy S.